Captures: Kourtney Marie Photography
Where to even start…
Over the past few months, I feel like I have written this post a thousand different ways in my mind and truly it will never be or explain things the way that I’ve been feeling them. But – for my posterity I will try and kick myself that I can’t express my emotions more eloquently – here goes.
As many of you know we have been trying this past year to have a baby. I couldn’t have been more ready to have another sweet little angel in our home and we both felt it was the right time. In May we experienced our 3rd miscarriage and I barely told anyone. All the fears and emotions came rushing back, flooding my mind with memories of when we were trying to get pregnant before Ryker. I felt this was going to be a long haul that I may not be as mentally prepared for as I would like. In August we lost our baby, again, and a part of my heart just died. My attachment to that baby came so quickly that I knew they would make it to be a special part of our family. I remember calling Cameron’s office probably sounding like a crazy person as I sobbed through tears that I needed to talk to him.
Every day we talked through the pain. Cam is my rock. He listens to my same worries and concerns, over and over and over, just phrased in different ways, always supporting me and helping me to feel loved. We ultimately decided that growing our family was something we would hold off on for now. Long story short, I was pregnant the next month, scared out of my mind that I would literally fall to pieces if we lost another baby. The feeling is unattainable unless you have been there yourself and I truly hate saying that – making people feel excluded but it’s true. It’s horrific; I wish it upon no one.
Scared. Happy. Depressed. Angry. Excited. Worried. Anxious. Hopeful.
Google-ing. Crying. Planning. Praying. Praying. Praying…
I would give almost anything to keep this baby healthy but I am still deeply mourning my baby we just lost. Ever single thing I feel in my body, every emotion was heightened. I was on edge just waiting for it to happen.
Immediately, as in the day we found out, I was put on enough medication and hormones to serve several women. I knew what was coming because we did the same regimen with Ry, but man am I sick. Like, my nurses call me to pep talk me each week sick.
If you saw me out and during October and November it was a rare ‘nauseous’ unicorn sighting and I probably looked sick or like I didn’t want to be there. Because I was and I didn’t.
I have only ever known one person more sick than I have been and I truly believe she is a super woman for going through those struggles to have her babies. I look up to her strength and told myself each morning when I woke up, ‘she did this and so can you’
We had 3 ultrasounds in the first 11 weeks. A large hemorrhage was found on our first scan meaning we needed to double up on medication and I would be on bed rest for the next 4 weeks with strict instructions not to work or lift Ryker. Yeah, okay try explaining to your miniature shadow that you can’t pick him up. That went well….
The first real time I left my house besides doctor appointments was to take out trip to Samoa the last week in November and God was with me on that trip. Cam and I needed that time. Desperately. We needed sun and happiness and to friggin get outta the house. It really was a turning point for me mentally in the pregnancy and I think that was a big reason I felt prompted to go.
Together and separately we prayed for miracles to keep our family running and our baby growing. The out pouring of love and service from our families was the biggest answer. My dad spending a week and half running my home will always be ingrained into my heart. Forever grateful. Forever, grateful.
It’s hard for me to want to announce this pregnancy, honestly, because that little dark anxiety cloud tells me I’m jinxing it. But faith over fear, right? We are excited, please don’t for a second misunderstand that fact but we have had more set backs upon recent scans. We have answers but it still brings up a lot of worry and concerns for delivery.
And I still feel a big hole for my little angel babies.
They were each real. They were each ours. Forever and always. As I have said before, “once you are real you can’t become unreal”
Now you have a little sneak peek into our life the past while. We are just about halfway and feel beyond blessed for each day we have. We know our sweet little loves gender and can’t wait to share the news with y’all soon. Thank you for your continued prayers and love.