There are days when I just don’t really have the strength to think about it and there are days where all I can do is think about it.
This was our most difficult miscarriage we’ve experienced because we both had high hopes that we would be okay this time. It felt real. I had dreams and thoughts and conscious impressions that this baby was going to make it.
It turned out to be my shortest pregnancy and one of my most painful ones. Body. Mind. Soul. I honestly felt like a piece of my heart was taken and I instantaneous knew the moment. It was so surreal.
I called Cameron’s office and couldn’t hold back the sobs. It was humiliating but I didn’t care. A small tender mercy that Cameron has an amazing staff that didn’t try to ask me questions. Cam came home and we spent the day together.
My Father-in-law is one of the most in-tune humans I have ever met and called Cam to take us to dinner that night. He immediately asked me what was going on and could see my somber appearance. We talked to him about it a little but I wasn’t ready to open up to anyone. I was grateful to just be out of the house, not trapped in my own thoughts. Honestly, we kept it pretty hush hush unless a situation arose and we needed to make it known. That’s another humiliating story I would rather not share.
Experiencing my miscarriages before Ryker and not talking about it for years, I learned that opening up and sharing brought me some peace. Writing was cathartic for me. But this time I didn’t want anyone to know. Feeling more and more like a failure. Skipping out on friends baby showers, celebrations and happiness. The sting was just too fresh in the wound.
If you are reading this. I am sorry. I want to celebrate you and your sweet little babies. Truly, I am happy for you and it doesn’t make me mad or angry that you are pregnant and I’m not. I am just not ready.
Peace comes with time and prayer. Lots of prayer. Throwing myself into projects –hello home makeover posts- and just working on staying mentally present. One of my favorite quotes over this past month has been…
“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you” -Andrea Dykstra
I read that every day and try to keep myself from hating everything, especially my body. Not in a “I want to look skinny or fit or xyz” more just hating that it won’t stay pregnant. I dedicated myself to 4 “P” everyday:
1. A Prayer – I needed God and He needed me to come to Him. It helps me grow and realize there is timing and a reason for everything. It doesn’t take the hurt away but it’s easier when you can share it with someone who knows exactly how you feel.
2. A Podcast – I asked my online community for some great podcasts – Mom, blogger, self help, education, etc. They helped me see the world from a new perspective and get out of my own sad mind.
3. A Project – writing and photographing a new blog post, creating some fun activity for Ryker, gathering our food storage anything to pass the time really helps keep your mind engaged and occupied.
4. A Person – a person to cry to, a person to laugh with, a person to help build up, a person to serve, a person to love
We are being optimistic for the future, but being positive doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad. I have been trying to let myself feel these emotions rather than bury them and it’s helping. There isn’t an end all and I’m healed. It’s a process and we are looking forward to brighter days.
You can view our Pregnancy Vlog here
Love + Baby Dust