Photography by: Kourtney Marie Photography
“No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ, than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child” – Jeffrey R. Holland
This past weekend I came away teary-eyed and uplifted as I was filled with the spirit of the Lord while watching General Conference. Talks on motherhood and maternal roles have always sat heavy on me and for years thoughts entered my mind that I may never be able to carry a child. I struggled with medical issues and infertility which made me bitter when general or local church leaders would talk about the divine role of motherhood and that it was a woman’s calling. I would strategize sarcastic answers to people’s questions. People often asked Cameron and I when we would start a family, but Cam and I have felt since we were married that we were already a family. It may be small. It may include 2 four legged children… but we are a family and always have been.
Why did I still not have a baby of my own? If this was my calling, my purpose in life, why was it so difficult and taking so long? I would sit in a meeting tuning out the lesson or talk and the comments made about how great it was to be a mom or how blessed they were to have 5 children.
Did I do something to not be so ‘blessed’?
At one point, I got so frustrated and depressed I decided that I could convince myself that I didn’t even want children. I didn’t want to suffer through the loss or disappoint my husband. Cameron never once made me feel this was my fault and remained incredibly optimistic through our years of trial and I knew he would continually remain a strength I could rely on. However, it was not enough.
One night, I was all alone and decided to pray openly and honestly to God. I knew that through Him all things are possible and I felt an overwhelming embrace of patience and peace. We did not miraculously get pregnant – it took almost another year. But now here we are, just 8 short weeks away from meeting our son, our special miracle and gift.
This time I sit with a different perspective, listening to numerous talks about family and motherhood but silently praying that if there is a woman listening and feeling bitter, sad, and distraught that they have no child of their own, then I quote Elder Holland… “Your love never faileth”
Motherhood is special and after my prayer even a year before I got pregnant I knew that one day I would be a mother. I didn’t know if it would be on Earth or in Heaven but I felt Christ’s love for me. I just had to choose to believe it.
“Be peaceful, believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.” -Jeffrey R. Holland
I can’t wait to meet you sweet baby, you have always been mine and I have always loved you.
Do you have 16 minutes to watch Elder Holland’s talk HERE? I promise it will be well worth your time.